One year no beer

I did contemplate if I should do this blog or not. I’m usually an open book but talking about my relationship with alcohol is like stripping naked on the town hall steps and believe me that wouldn’t be attractive.

Some people may read this as they are genuinely interested, some might read this as they are nosey fuckers and want to see if I was an alcoholic (I wasn’t!) and others will read this as they are sober curious and questioning their relationships with alcohol, so I hope I help in some way.

I may as well start at the beginning on my relationship with alcohol which was many many years ago.

I was about fifteen on a local park and drank one can of Kestrel super strength……. Classy from the word go!! My boyfriend at the time had a can too and was sick and wanted me to kiss him after he’d been sick. I probably did do after my can! Later on in life I kissed (and the rest!) a few frogs after a skin full.

Other than that, I can’t really remember drinking again properly till I was about 17 years old. I’d go the local pub and drink around 4 halves of cider on a Friday night. That all seems very sensible to me and if I could back to that I would, but the thing with alcohol the more you have, the more tolerance you build so you need more to get the same feelings. But I’m not telling you anything new here.

What I didn’t realise was if alcohol was invented now it would have never been made legal. But it creates so much revenue for the government on taxes that it would never be made illegal. How fucked up is that!!!

I started meeting my dad in the pub on a Sunday afternoon and compete with him and his mates and went on pints of cider. I impressed myself when I could drink seven or eight pints and still speak. This wasn’t every Sunday just the odd occasion. But again very classy!

My relationship went a bit tits up when I started working in the police. I was in uniform in the city centre of Manchester and twenty- three years old. My shift was a young shift and we all liked to work hard and party harder. Even though I was twenty- three I was a naive twenty- three year old and was shocked by what I’d see on regular occasions. For example, I had no idea there were male prostitutes until I drove onto Dale Street car park and about eight blokes were standing near numerous collection of bushes……eeeewww. I grew up quickly in the next few years.

I can’t blame my drinking relationship on that though. It was just what we did. I started experimenting with my drinks, wine , cheeky vimto’s and vodka which I decided to drink to save calories. The fact that I trebled my calories the next day with a hangover didn’t even enter my mind.

I used alcohol to rid me of my inhibitions, even though I may have come across as confident I was far from it. But your inhibitions are there for a reason, they are there to keep you safe. It’s not like you can pick which inhibitions to have and which to relax on, it was either all or nothing.

My personality is a bit like that , all or nothing. I sometimes used the excuse that I have an addictive personality. Once I get something in my head I go full on with it. But after reading lots of books this past year I’ve learnt that an addicted personality is a myth so I can’t use that anymore.

As the nights got messier, I seemed to be the messiest, after about two glasses of wine I’d be slurring my speech, but I used to keep going. I got myself into some very tricky situations whilst drunk and they are the ones I could remember. At first it was funny discussing and finding out what I’d done or said the night before but when I was still having these discussions after I’d become a mum it suddenly didn’t seem very funny.

My husband, Adam didn’t and still doesn’t drink much. He can go out and have a great night without having a drink. I thought that was a bit weird but hey I went with it as it meantI always had a taxi. But slowly I realised he was experiencing life and I mean really experiencing it without the numbness of alcohol.

My wine then took on another role. Initially it was my fake confidence but when I had my second son, Dusty, who was born asleep. Wine became my crux. It was who I turned to, to numb the pain, to make me forget. And for a couple of hours in an evening I’d forget what had happened. And it helped just for those hours but those hours alone. I don’t regret drinking wine at this time as I didn’t want to ‘feel’ anything. I realise now though that eventually you have to feel to go through grief so I was just prolonging the agony. But it added to my bad relationship with alcohol.

But like anything if you have something regularly enough you then think you ‘need’ it too.

A year later and more wine , (with a nine month gap whilst pregnant) I now had two sons a two year old and a new born and it was hard but I’m not complaining it was just a bit of a shock to my system.

Everywhere I’d look I’d see phrases like ‘Mummies need wine’ and that justified me having a glass or two every evening. If we went out for a meal as a family it was an excuse to have wine and look civilised with it at five o’clock, when my regular wine o’clock was seven. But I’d get home and want to carry on as I felt I hadn’t finished but that’s the thing, I never knew when I’d had enough.

I’d make half arsed attempts to stop during the week and get to Wednesday and see another meme saying mummies should drink, it’s gin o’clock, or I work hard enough, I can afford it. It’s not like I’m sat on a corner drinking cider out of a brown paper bag. Even getting myself a more expensive bottle of wine, savouring the flavour, savouring the flavour my arse, the expensive stuff went down at the same speed at the cheap shit.

For about two years, I googled how much wine does an alcoholic drink, or am I drinking too much? I needed justification that I wasn’t as bad as other people. If I found someone who drank more than me that was my justification to carry on. But I knew no matter how much or how little I drank I had developed an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and I was no longer having fun. It was about my relationship with alcohol no one else’s.

The idea of giving up alcohol seemed massive and something I didn’t think I had the energy to even attempt. It was easier just to carry on with my bad relationship. You wouldn’t do this with any other relationship in your life so why this?

I did the odd dry January but as my birthday is February 1st I would never ever contemplate going any further. I’d have a massive blow out on my birthday.

I then was diagnosed with a brain tumour……another reason to drink wine or so I convinced myself……it was like I was saying to my conscience don’t you dare say anything about my drinking cos I have a brain tumour. But when I was waiting for brain surgery I realised I didn’t want to experience the rest of my life in a haze, tired, wasting my weekends hungover but still doing things with the lads but being knackered at the same time, willing the days to pass so I could have a glass of wine as it was a Saturday night.

I had a full time job, went to the gym every Saturday and Sunday morning, did all the things expected of me but knackered and with a fuzzy head. I never went the extra mile on anything.

My sons were now six and four and I wanted them to see their Mummy and Daddy living their best lives ever. I drank on December 31st 2018, my husband was at work and I had my last glass of wine at 10pm. I didn’t even enjoy it, I knew it was going to be my last, so I just downed it to get rid of it.

I had brain surgery on March 5th 2019, and my recovery was, even if I say myself, amazing. I put that down to no alcohol!

Today I been alcohol free for 365 days, a bloody year!!! I never thought I could achieve it, but I have and most of the time I haven’t missed it.

I didn’t tell anyone initially in case I failed but I was smashing it. I bought alcohol free substitutes initially and went to bed ridiculously early just to stop the temptation. I made sure I never had to go to the shop after work in the evenings, so I didn’t buy any wine. I basically had to change my habits. I did things instead of drinking. I ate a lot. But I couldn’t tackle both things at the same time. I never would have thought I had sweet tooth, that is until I cut out the wine and I couldn’t get enough. I realised then how much sugar was in alcohol. Ignorance is bliss.

Even though I was eating everything in sight I didn’t put on any weight, in fact my body shape changed without my weight changing. In a good way. My stomach was less bloated and my face slimmed down straight away. I have taken photos which I’ll add and my eyes became brighter. I still eat chocolate but have now lost two and a half stones. When I go to the gym now I put my best effort in and try to do something at least three times a week. I feel amazing, for the first time ever I have confidence without it coming from alcohol.

I read so many books about alcohol and then discovered I was a like a sponge I wanted to learn more and more about why we did things, what made me tick. I suppose I had all these spare hours and now spare brain cells and I had to fill them with something.

I felt like I had so much to give, I decided to write a book, something which I’ve always wanted to do, I started public speaking, which is something I never thought I could do and I loved it. I have so much more clarity, don’t get me wrong I’m still a moody cow and still can have shit days but I know they aren’t self-inflicted and that makes a big difference.

But there were bad times too. I didn’t want to go out anymore, why would I want to sit in a pub for one of my rare nights out. Its like being on a diet and going to McDonalds (who even orders a salad from McDonalds!!?) . You just wouldn’t do it to yourself.

I had to think outside the box about what I wanted to do on our date nights, because I still wanted date nights as Adam,and I needed them, but I had no idea what I enjoyed doing other than drinking. It was easy in the confines of my house I was safe as we didn’t have alcohol in but venturing out in the big wide world where all I could see was people enjoying a glass of wine, was scary. It’s like when you buy a new car and suddenly see them all over the place.

I couldn’t avoid pubs forever, so I did it and enjoyed it …….well I did till about ten thirty. But I’m ok with that, as I had the excuse of having brain surgery in March, I could use the excuse I was tired and leave… to be fair I was tired. But I’m so glad I had that excuse as no body questioned me. Every cloud and all that!

That brings me onto to dancing. I love a good dance and thought I looked like Beyonce when I danced. (I didn’t!) My first sober dancing experience, I literally didn’t know what to do. I looked like Baby walking out of the hut in dirty dancing before she said I carried a watermelon. I’ve realised that sober dancing for me consists of clapping a lot as I have no idea what to do with my arms. Its like they don’t even belong to me.

But then why do I think I’m that important that everyone will be watching me sober dance, people are more interested in their own arms flaring around than my arms stuck at the side of me. I must have danced before alcohol, so I’m sure I’ll get it back so for the time being I’ll do Zumba at the gym and get my dance kicks there, and just clap a lot when I’m out??

My friendships have changed, you have some friendships that are all about getting wasted together and I miss that. I miss laughing at things that aren’t funny and the silliness, but if I think back, I was probably only at the ‘silly’ stage for about thirty minutes, then wasted!

It just means that if my friendships are special enough, (and they are) we will find a way get back to enjoying ourselves together without me drinking. If I was ever out on night out and there was someone sober there I would avoid that person, who wants someone remembering everything you did or say in detail…..not me that’s for sure. I remember my Irish grandfather saying never trust a man who didn’t drink. And I didn’t.

But now I’m that person, and while I will, maybe, remember what you’ve said to me rest assured, I will NOT judge you.

I always knew I needed around eight hours sleep a night but after kids I thought that was just one of those things that didn’t exist ….. bit like a perfect husband, or rocking horse shit? But now I wasn’t drinking I often get eight hours sleep and don’t wake up at three am with anxiety and beating myself up because I had wine the night before. These sleeps are now eight hours of uninterrupted sleep which are pure bliss and no anxiety in the morning while checking out social media and seeing if I posted anything the night before.

I thought I had cracked it but then it was Christmas Day, and I ALWAYS, ALWAYS have a Baileys on Christmas Day. And this year I couldn’t, I had come so far so I wasn’t going to break it. But what annoyed me is that I still wanted it so badly, even after over three hundred and fifty days alcohol free.

I have thought a lot about what I will do when my year is over and I know what I am like and I know it would be so easy to slip back into old habits. I did think about drinking once a month, but how do I decide which is the day I drink, and which friends celebration is important enough for me to drink at, or not drink at, it just means too much time and energy thinking about alcohol again so if I abstain I know that’s it and I don’t have to think about it anymore.

I have decided to extend my challenge to four hundred days and then take it from there. Its easy having the crux of a challenge. And hopefully when day four hundred comes I will extend to five hundred who knows maybe forever???

Here’s is a quick list of the pros and cons of giving up alcohol from my viewpoint.

PROS